The Mansplainer’s Guide to Explaining the Obvious (Even When No One Asked)
Welcome to Mansplainer Academy
Have you ever been in a conversation where a man, brimming with confidence but light on expertise, takes it upon himself to explain something you already know? Perhaps he’s enlightening you on the "true meaning" of feminism, walking you through the complexities of the thermostat, or bestowing upon you the profound knowledge that water is, in fact, wet. If this sounds familiar, congratulations—you’ve encountered a mansplainer in the wild.
But what is a mansplainer, really? Simply put, he’s a man who assumes he knows more than you (even when he objectively does not) and proceeds to explain things in a way that is condescending, unsolicited, and often painfully incorrect. The act itself? That’s called mansplaining. It’s a charming little habit fueled by male privilege, ignorance, and a stubborn refusal to ask, "Do you already know this?" before launching into a TED Talk no one requested.
For those aspiring to reach the upper echelons of workplace sexism, social dominance, and general conversational oppression, this guide will teach you everything you need to know about being an elite mansplainer. For the rest of us? Consider this your field manual for spotting and shutting one down.
The Core Principles of Mansplaining
To be a successful mansplainer, one must follow a strict code of conduct. Here are the golden rules:
Rule #1: Explain First, Ask Questions Never
A true mansplainer never considers the possibility that the person he’s speaking to already knows what he’s about to say. Instead, he assumes she is an empty vessel, desperately waiting to be filled with his wisdom.
🔹 Example: Explaining the offside rule in football to a lifelong season ticket holder—bonus points if she’s wearing a club jersey.
🔹 Mansplainer Pro Tip: If she dares to interject with actual knowledge, double down. Say something like, “Ah, but what you don’t understand is…” before repeating what she just said, only louder.
Rule #2: The Louder You Talk, the More Right You Are
Science has yet to confirm it, but every mansplainer knows that volume = correctness. If people start rolling their eyes or walking away, simply escalate your voice until submission is achieved.
🔹 Example: Insisting, “No, no, no, what you don’t get is…” at increasing decibel levels in a meeting where you’re out of your depth.
🔹 Mansplainer Pro Tip: If someone calls you out, accuse them of being “too emotional”. This tactic is particularly effective when used against women, who will inexplicably be labeled aggressive for raising their voice a fraction as much as you.
Rule #3: Confidence Over Competence
A mansplainer is never deterred by lack of expertise. The key is never admitting ignorance. You didn’t skim-read an article about quantum physics? Doesn’t matter. You can still confidently tell an astrophysicist why she’s "misunderstanding" black holes.
🔹 Example: Explaining childbirth to a mother.
🔹 Mansplainer Pro Tip: If someone provides evidence that contradicts your nonsense, pivot effortlessly. Say “Well, actually, that’s just one way to look at it.” This makes you sound open-minded while refusing to admit you’re wrong.
Advanced Mansplaining Techniques
If you’ve mastered the basics, it’s time to graduate to advanced-level mansplaining. These tactics will take your patronising behavior to new heights.
The Reverse Question Maneuver
If someone challenges your explanation, flip the script and rephrase their own argument as if you just thought of it yourself. This is best done with an air of smug revelation.
🔹 Example:
Her: “Actually, I have been working in this industry for over a decade.”
You: “Ah, so what you’re really trying to say is… you need me to break it down for you?”
The ‘Actually…’ Opener
Every true mansplainer knows that no sentence carries more power than one that begins with “Actually…”. It signals that you are about to correct someone, regardless of whether correction is necessary—or even factual.
🔹 Example:
Them: “Wow, it’s a beautiful sunset.”
You: “Actually, the sun doesn’t set. The Earth rotates, giving the illusion of a sunset.”
The Wikipedia Expert Strategy
Why spend years studying something when you can just read half of a Wikipedia page and act like an authority?
🔹 Example: Explaining the stock market to a financial analyst after watching The Wolf of Wall Street.
The Workplace Mansplainer: A Special Breed
Welcome, aspiring Mansplainers, to the Corporate Division of Mansplainer Academy. This is where your skills will be put to the ultimate test—surviving in an environment filled with competent professionals who somehow still need your unsolicited insights. If you want to climb the corporate ladder one unnecessary explanation at a time, pay close attention to these elite techniques:
🔹 The Meeting Interrupter: Master the delicate art of never letting a female colleague finish a sentence unchallenged. Remember, no idea truly exists until you have repeated it verbatim, just louder.
🔹 The Office Tech Guru: Nothing says “trusted authority” like explaining how to open an email to someone who has been using computers since Windows 95. Pro Tip: If she asks you to stop, just assume she doesn’t understand what you’re trying to teach her and double down.
🔹 The ‘Big Words, Small Brain’ CEO: Business jargon is your best friend. Sprinkle phrases like “synergise deliverables” and “circle back with a blue-sky approach” while confidently forgetting how to use the company’s Slack channel.
🔹 The 'Unnecessary Process Explainer': Time is money, but your explanations are priceless. Take at least ten minutes to describe how to submit an expense report—extra points if the person you're explaining it to designed the process.
🔹 The ‘Let Me Rephrase That’ Guy: When a woman speaks, assume it was a rough draft that you must now refine into a polished gem of corporate wisdom. Simply reword her idea and bask in the glory of a job well done.
🔹 The ‘Surprise Expert’: The moment a woman starts speaking on any topic—no matter your actual knowledge—this is your cue to chime in. Whether it's neuroscience, investment banking, or ancient Mesopotamian trade routes, be ready to assert dominance with confidently vague statements.
Congratulations, future Mansplainers, with these techniques, you’ll be well on your way to becoming the most valued (or at least most tolerated) presence in any office environment. Now go forth and condescend!
Conclusion: Your Mansplainer Graduation Ceremony
Well done, esteemed graduates! You’ve now mastered the fine art of unsolicited explanations, unnecessary opinions, and confidently misunderstanding expertise. Your training is complete—go forth and steamroll conversations with reckless abandon.
But remember, your education never truly ends. Every moment is an opportunity to mansplain—whether it’s correcting a physicist on physics, explaining cooking to a chef, or offering navigation tips to a taxi driver.
So, hold your head high, speak a little louder than necessary, and if someone rolls their eyes, take it as proof that you’re doing it right.
Oh, and if you didn’t quite grasp this article, don’t worry—I’d be delighted to explain it again. 😉
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